Mom, your daughter is all grown up but she still miss you!

This is something that has been weighing on my mind quite a bit lately. The older I get and the more my life continues to change, the more clear it becomes that I am never again going to have a regular life again. I am always going to be missing a piece of me. The most important person in my life is gone and is NEVER coming back.

As much as I always knew that, lately, I am reflecting on it more and more. There are so many things that are never going to be the same. There are still so many things that she is going to miss. There is so much of this “normal” family life I always thought I would have, that I will never get to have again.

My life would be so much better if my mom was still alive.

Nobody around me will ever understand what this feels like unless they have lived through this pain themselves. There is no way I could even try to find the words to describe to someone what it feels like to lose the most important person in your life, way sooner than you should ever have to and have to continue to carry on and adjust as if a major piece of you isn’t missing.

Losing my mom changed my life. It flipped my life upside down and disrupted all normalcy that I once had. I have had to make adjustments that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I had to adjust to “new normals” that quite honestly I never would wish on anyone.

Losing mom SUCKS. There is no other way to put it. No matter how much time goes by, the pain never seems to completely go away. No matter how much time goes on, the amount that I miss her only increases.

It’s a pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It has a pain that has started to define me. It is a pain that is now, unfortunately, a huge part of my story.

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I Pray!

I’d like to end 2018 on a heartfelt note from me to the one reading this:
In 2019,  I pray you to let go of the ones who give you nothing but pain and discomfort.
I pray that your life fills with nothing but happiness and contentment.
I pray for the students who suffer in silence, those who try their best yet fail.
May you get through this year with resilience and get the results you’ve hoped for. I pray for the ones who are struggling to get into college or the ones who are struggling to get through their semester in university. I pray, this year, we learn to be more compassionate towards each other. I pray that you find your long-lost lover and the courage to follow your dreams.
I pray you to learn to appreciate everything that’s in your life, including the good and the bad, the dark times and the happy times. I pray, this year, you feel good enough and remind yourself that you are loved. I pray that you may find happiness in the smallest of things like the way your morning coffee swirls in your cup and the smile of your dog when he sees you after a long day at work.
This year, I pray that you find the talents hidden deep inside you that are waiting to be discovered.
I want you to know, nothing comes easy. 
Especially the things you want the most. 
Maybe that’s why they hold so much value, our dreams. 
This year, I hope, from the bottom of my heart, us girls would lift each other up instead of tearing one another down. I know, it might sound cliche, but kindness won’t cost you a thing. Neither would a smile. This year, I pray that you get all that you deserve and the ability to forgive those who have wronged you. We’re all human beings and human beings aren’t perfect. It’s about time we understood that. Life’s too short to hold grudges.
If you’ve lost a loved one this year, I pray, may God grant you and your family peace.
If you’ve failed, don’t worry there’s always a second chance. If not second, then third. Just keep trying. Nothing comes easy.
This year I aspire to be more compassionate and less judgmental towards those who are less privileged than I am. I aspire to read more books and gain more knowledge. I aspire to work hard to achieve my goal. This year, I aspire to be more forgiving to the ones who’ve hurt me and less envious of those who are more privileged than I am.
I aspire to improve my writing skills and helps others through my words. I aspire to improve my creativity and imagination.
This year, I aspire to love, love and love.
Love the ones who  hate me,
love the ones who insult me,
love the ones who abuse me and love the ones who need love the most.
This year,
I aspire to be a better version of myself
and 
I hope
you would too.

آپ کے آنے سے

آپ سے مل کے ھم کچھ بدل سے گئے
شعر پڑھنے لگے ، گنگنانے لگے
پہلے مشہور تھی اپنی سنجیدگی
اب تو جب دیکھیے مسکرانے لگے

ھم کو لوگوں سے ملنے کا کب شوق تھا
محفل آرائی کا کب ھمیں ذوق تھا
آپ کے واسطے ھم نے یہ بھی کیا
ملنے جلنے لگے، آنے جانے لگے

ھم نے جب آپ کی دیکھیں دلچسپیاں
آ گئیں چند ھم میں بھی تبدیلیاں
اک مصور سے بھی ھو گئی دوستی
اورغزلیں بھی سننے سنانے لگے

آپ کے بارے میں پوچھ بیٹھا کوئی
کیا کہیں ھم سے کیا بدحواسی ھوئی
کہنے والی جو تھی بات ھو نہ سکی
بات جو تھی چھپانی ، بتانے لگے

عشق بے گھر کرے، عشق بے در کرے
عشق کا سچ ھے کوئی ٹھکانا نہیں
ھم جو کل تک ٹھکانے کے تھے آدمی
آپ سے مل کے کیسے ٹھکانے لگے​

خواب نہیں سراب تھا

رات بہت ہو چکی تھی ہر سمت سناٹے کا راج تھا، تنہائیوں کی مہک دور دور تک پھیلی ہوئی تھی،وہ اتنا چییخ چکی تھی کہ اب آواز بیٹھ چکی تھی چاروں طرف پھیلی خاموشی میں بھی دل کی کراہ سنائی نہ دے رہی تھی۔اب ہر طرف چھائے سناٹے نے اُسے گھیر لیا تھا، آنکھوں سے بہتا آبشار تھم چکا تھا، ابر اب گہرے تو تھے لیکن صرف بجلی کڑک رہی تھی وہ اتنے بوجھل تھے کہ برسنے کی سکت بھی نہ تھی۔وہ سوچوں میں غلطاں تھی نجانے کیوں آج کے درد نے اسے اپنے ساتھ ہر زیادتی یاد دلا دی تھی اسکا وجود بہت بھاری ہو چکا تھا اتنا کہ اب پلک بھی نہ جھپک پا رہی تھی ۔یہ کیفیت کسی ایک اذیت کا نتیجہ نہ تھی وہ برسوں دکھ جھیلتی آرہی تھی یہ سیلاب صرف آج کی برسات کا نتیجہ تو نہ تھا یہ تو برسوں کی تکالیف کا ڈھیرتھا جو بادلوں کی شکل میں جمع ہوتا رہا اور آج جب برسنے کا موقع ملا تو اتنا برسا کہ پورا وجود پانی پانی ھو گیا۔۔۔ آج ایسی کیا قیامت ٹوٹی تھی کہ ماضی کے ہر ستم اور ہر یاد نے اسے گھیر لیا؟کیوں وہ سوچوں کے ایک ایسے پہاڑ کا چکر کاٹنے لگی تھی جسکا راستہ ماضی کی تلخ یادوں کے گرد گھومتا تھا؟ جسکی منزل یادوں کے ایک وسیع سمندر کا کنارہ تھی جہاں اس نے اپنی معصومیت اپنے لبوں کی مسکان کھوئی تھی۔۔ کیوں آج برسوں بعد اسکی بےچین روح کا ہر گھاؤ پھر سے تازہ ہوا تھا؟ گو کہ کبھی ٹھیک ہوا ہی نہ ہوایسے کہ جیسے کسی نے بہت بے دردی سے کرید کر نمک چھڑکا ہو۔ آج پھر کیوں وہ رات کی سیاہی میں بھی اپنی جلی روح پر سورج کی کرنوں کی تپش کو محسوس کر رہی تھی؟بے جان وجود لیے نم پلکوں سے آسمان کی جانب دیکھ رہی تھی جیسے کوئی سوال کرنا چاہ رہی ہو لیکن الفاظ خاردار جھاڑی کی طرح اسکے گلے میں اٹک گئے تھے ٓآج اسکے غم کی انتہا نہ تھی کہ کسی بہت عزیز کے الفاظ نے اسکی روح پر تیز دھار آلے سے ضرب لگائی تھی کسی ایسے شخص نے توڑا جس نے خود اپنے ہاتھوں سے اسکا ہر درد مٹایا تھا۔ جس کے آنے سے ماضی کا ہر ظلم و ستم دھندلا گیا تھا اسکے ہر زخم کو مرہم مل گیا تھا، جسکے ساتھ نے ہر داغ دھو دیا تھا ہر رنج کو مسرت میں تبدیل کر دیا تھا، جو اندھیروں سے اجالوں کی طرف لایا تھا، جس نے اتنی محبت، اتنی عزت، اتنا پیار دیا تھا کہ ہر ستم کی یاد دھندلی ہونے لگی تھی۔ جس نے ٹکڑوں میں بٹے دل کی کرچیاں سمیٹ کر انہیں بہت نفاست سے جوڑ کر اس پہ اپنا نام نقش کر دیا تھا۔ جس نے اسکی عزت و آبرو کی حفاظت کے لیے جان پر کھیل جانے کے دعوے کیے تھے۔ جو ہر تلخ حقیقت کے لیے ایسی میٹھی دوا بن گیا تھا جس میں ہر تلخی جذب کرنے کی سکت تھی۔ جس نے جینا سکھایا اور جینے کی وجہ بنا آج اس نے اچانک مان کیسے توڑدیا؟ اتنی مشکلات سے جوڑ ے دل کو اتنی بری طرح توڑ ڈالا کہ وہ ٹکڑوں میں نہیں ذروں میں بٹ گیا؟ اسکے الفاظ سفاکیت سے کتنے بھرپور تھے کہ سیدھا سینے میں جا لگے اور ایسی دردناک اذیت نے سینے کو چیرا کہ ماضی کا ہر درد جاگ گیا۔ آج کے درد کا تو کوئی موازنہ ہی نہیں یہ تو ہر درد پر غالب آگیا، قلب ایک ایسے بوجھ تلے دھنس گیا جس سے رہائی ناممکن تھی۔ ایسا کیوں ہوا تھا؟ یہ سوچنے سمجھنے سے اسکا دل قاصر تھا اسے کسی بات کا ہوش نہ تھا، وہ سمجھ بوجھ کی صلاحيت کھو چکی تھی اسے کچھ سمجھ نہ آیا کہ یہ کیا ہوا؟ کیوں ہوا؟ اس کے کانوں میں بس ایک ہی آواز گونج رہی ۔۔’’ تم انا پرست،ضدی اور مطلبی ہو‘‘وہ ایسی نہ تھی ۔سب فنا ہو چکا تھا ۔آنسوؤں کی جھڑی پھر سے لگ چکی تھی ۔آنسو موتیوں کی لڑی کی مانند پھسل کر گرنے لگے ۔۔لہو کے یہ سرخ موتی اس بات کے گواہ تھے کہ اندر بہت گہرائی میں کچھ ٹوٹا ہے۔ وہ کسی ایسی گھایل شیرنی کی مانند تڑپ رہی تھی جسکی ساری طاقت خاک ہو چکی تھی، جسکی وفا کی بری طرح توہین کی گئی تھی۔ جسکے وقار کے ذرے ہوا میں اچھالےگئے وہ اب کبھی واپس نہیں مل سکتے تھے ۔۔ کبھی نہیں ۔۔

DO WHAT MAKES YOU PROUD!

 

I always knew that I’ll start my hijab, I just wanted to begin. I had always planned that whether I’ll start today or tomorrow it always will be the persistent one. Well, to be honest I used to contemplate that I’ll start after marriage. May be because I’ll have someone as my support system. Then in between all these clouds of thoughts I pondered if I can’t support myself, if I’m not capable of doing what I want & what if he contradict me for carrying it perpetually.

These were the questions which were literally haunting me;

Will I’ll abandon the idea of carrying it?

Will I’ll put all of the blame on him for not carrying my hijab?

Will I’ll choose his commandment or Almighty?

What if I’ll die single?

Will I’ll tell Almighty that I was not able to do it because I was not married.

Finally, I chose now or never. The right time to abandon sin is today, who promised you tomorrow. Who knows what is stored for tomorrow!

Though I knew that it won’t be that easy as it seems. Its not only about wearing a piece of cloth on my head.

May be here my stubborn & persistent nature worked for me quite well.

Many young girls want to practice their Deen, but are not supported by their families & are told that they will not get ‘good’ rishtas if they do so. And yes, I agree with you, the future may seem scary, you may not be appreciated by the man you marry. And God forbid, you may even struggle to practice what you believe in.

So did I, in fact was tested by very closed ones. The one I thought will be my strength was first one to broke me down.

The one who first was to teach me what hijab is was busy in giving my hijab beautiful name.

But I always remembered one thing: worrying about the future will not change what has already been written.

He loves us more than anyone. He is seeing our struggle, & knows what is best for us.

‘These days, appearance matters so much to people, but Allah has taught us otherwise.Instead of focusing on our characters & personalities, we concentrate on our looks. I want people to get to know me, & not remember me by the way I look.’

‘Also, the physical features that I have been blessed with are not for everyone to see; I want to be able to choose who gets to see me. I want to be looked at by people who are special to me and not be stared at & teased wherever I go. My father, my brother, that ‘special someone’ are the people who are dear to me; they wouldn’t want every eye to see what they have been allowed to see.

Yes, instead of who we are, we are judged by how we look. The standards of beauty society have made for us have obliged us to stray away from Allah’s commandment. We fail to realize that beauty comes from within.

Beauty is pleasing your Lord, the one who gave you what you are so happy to have today. Beauty is in the words you say, in the actions you do. Beauty grows, & it uplifts you. It does not decay with age rather it is immortal as the beauty you bring about through your good efforts stays within the hearts and minds of others.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “Allah is beautiful and He loves beauty.” [Sahīh Muslim (911)]

A woman’s beauty is a precious gift, restricted to a protective domain of people close to her. There is nothing better than knowing that you are commanded to be unique in front of your ‘special someone’. Someone so special, that he has accepted you keeping Allah as a witness. He is the one who deserves to see what others are prohibited to. Unlike others, he will praise your beauty, but will protect you, & will hide your flaws.

They are clothing/covering (libaas) for you & you for them….” (2:187)

Yes I know it’s difficult to stay positive when everything seems to be falling apart with those unending taunts & those gazing.

Many will tell you its new phase of fashion stream, others will tell you’re trying to be more Islamic & some will tell its because you’ve lost your hair. (Lol, that is my favorite one.)

But, there is a strange beauty in dealing with all these challenges.

And what melts the heart is the fact that He will never test you with more than what you can handle.

So put your trust in Him, and pray to Him. Because: ‘Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.’ {Surah Al- Baqarah: 286}

 

 

WHEN HEART SPEAKS!

You are strong and you are going to get through this. I understand you are hurting and going through a difficult time that is taking toll on you. Some days are going to be worse than others.. You may actually prefer to stay in bed for hours at a time and that’s alright. It’s normal to go through a grieving process. There is nothing wrong in being alone for a little while, so you can heal and figure things out but remember you can’t stay in that bed forever. You have to force yourself to get up, dial to your favorite people and let them know you need to be are surrounded by good people. If they are real, they will be there. If they are not, you don’t need people like that in your life anyway. There are battles that you will have to face alone, but this is not one of them. God created family and friends so you would always have a shoulder to lean on. So lean. Talk. Vent. Go have some fun. Do whatever it is to put a smile back on that beautiful face of yours. You’ve got this.

 

The Art Of Getting What You Want.

I believe there are two kinds of people in this world: people who make things happen, and those who wait for things to happen. The ones who make things happen will look at the magic wand, have a giggle and walk away, waiting to embark on their next adventure, scared or not. They know where they’re going and how to get there. The others who wait for things to happen however, will immediately shake it to see what’s to come and in 5 seconds, a whole lifetime of events would manifest themselves.

I have learned over the years that playing it safe is just an illusion because life is not about that. You will never evolve if you don’t take risks and you won’t grow if you don’t fail and start from the bottom. Being able to take control of your life, regardless of what’s happening in it is going to take you to the next level.

I truly believe that everybody has the potential to be great, to create amazing things in this world that will live on way past their time. But many don’t because it’s hard. It’s that simple, they’re just not willing to put in the hard work. They chose to sit down and patiently wait instead. They wait for the right moment, for them to be prepared for it; they wait for the right opportunity to come knocking on their door.

The great Les Brown once said

You don’t have to be great to get started but you have to get started to be great”

There will never be a right time, you just have to start and do it. Don’t wait for things to be perfect, because they will never be.

If you want something you have to first be passionate about it. In doing so, you will have the right intention for it to make it happen. Everything that comes from the heart, is genuine and this brings out possibilities. Passion keeps your dreams alive and your vision steady. When you are passionate about what you want to do, you know it’s possible. And if it feels impossible, you will break the barriers to make it happen because that’s what true authenticity flourishes.

So many times, we know what we really want, but we sometimes let ourselves distracted by others’ opinions. Keep your dreams to yourself, you are the only validation you need. Focus you attention inward and realize that you are the only person who needs to give you the go ahead on where you are going. If you really think about it, you know deep down what you are good at and what makes you happy. Don’t lose track of that feeling and direct your energy on what feels right for you.